I think the way your lines appear one after the other create a level of suspense that works very well for your story. The second person narrative also makes the story and the choices personal for the reader. I also really liked how you have many different choice but you have layered them in a way where they lead back together even if you think you are on a completely different path. The structure of your story flowed in an easy to read manner. The coloring aesthetics also added to your story. However, there seems to be an error on the slide where the reader clicks on the word "lost" as well as "pocket," "what's coming," and "remember." The fact that you were able to incorporate a link at the end of your project was powerful. You have done a great job incorporating twine features but could maybe do a little bit more with individual words to enhance the effect of the story.
Please let me know if a certain path or link doesn't work. I've been having a hard time with some of them and though they all work on my computer, I've been told they're not working on others'. Just let me know if you run into this problem, and thanks for reading!
When I reach the option that says "risk it outside," I can't seem to move forward with the story.
From what I can see, the story is set up very well, and the ambiguity keeps me craning my neck for more. Your use of aesthetics and interactiveness definitely enhances your story and the mood that it brings. Your storytelling writing is definitely one of the biggest strengths in your overall project!
The encounter with the man inside the bar doesn't seem to work. However, the story leading up to this point is amazing. The diction you use coupled with the timer effect has me on the edge of my seat, and i really love how you used Twine's features to get certain points across -- like translations. I have full faith that the rest of your story is amazing as well, however, with the link broken I can't give any other specific feedback. Nonetheless, Great Job!
I like the tone and the way the piece addresses the reader. The use of timers and dynamic text helps keep the pace moving. I also like the bilingual aspects of the story; you might be able to use replacement text to do more with translation for people who need extra help. The use of choices creates a nice set of possibilities, particularly the game-like aspects of choosing items. On the passage that begins, "It's no sooner" I lose my orientation with the reference to "he." In a couple of other spots, I get similar confusion about the reference to "he." In spots, you might be able to expand the description or dialog to bring out the settings and interactions more vividly. As I work through the De Gouden Slang and associated passages, I am getting some Twine error messages. I get some messages on the other path as well. I wonder a bit about some of the paths on the Stay here loop that seem to be a bit more detour like and don't shape the action as much. Perhaps they can be cut (or expanded so that they add a bit more to the experience). Some of the error messages make it a bit difficult to get the full experience, but I do like the way the piece is leading toward a kind of social message about trafficking. I feel like the role of the coin--or map or umbrella--has a key role to play here. However, I don't feel like the role and the impact of the choices is fully realized just yet. When the choices are presented, it's a bit hard to differentiate which one might be most useful or later if I had made a different choice, would I have been okay. I see that now, the choice still lead to the same outcome. It might be that the situation is dire and the all paths leading to the same outcome makes sense, but if so, then a bit more explicit detailing of this rationale might be worth having. In general, thinking about these choice/flow/outcome dynamics probably makes sense, and then once you know where you want to go with that circling back to clean up errors and bring out story elements will bring it all to like. Nice work.
Comments
revision
I think the way your lines appear one after the other create a level of suspense that works very well for your story. The second person narrative also makes the story and the choices personal for the reader. I also really liked how you have many different choice but you have layered them in a way where they lead back together even if you think you are on a completely different path. The structure of your story flowed in an easy to read manner. The coloring aesthetics also added to your story. However, there seems to be an error on the slide where the reader clicks on the word "lost" as well as "pocket," "what's coming," and "remember." The fact that you were able to incorporate a link at the end of your project was powerful. You have done a great job incorporating twine features but could maybe do a little bit more with individual words to enhance the effect of the story.
To Peer Editors:
Please let me know if a certain path or link doesn't work. I've been having a hard time with some of them and though they all work on my computer, I've been told they're not working on others'. Just let me know if you run into this problem, and thanks for reading!
When I reach the option that…
In reply to To Peer Editors: by kelseyrappe
When I reach the option that says "risk it outside," I can't seem to move forward with the story.
From what I can see, the story is set up very well, and the ambiguity keeps me craning my neck for more. Your use of aesthetics and interactiveness definitely enhances your story and the mood that it brings. Your storytelling writing is definitely one of the biggest strengths in your overall project!
The encounter with the man…
In reply to To Peer Editors: by kelseyrappe
The encounter with the man inside the bar doesn't seem to work. However, the story leading up to this point is amazing. The diction you use coupled with the timer effect has me on the edge of my seat, and i really love how you used Twine's features to get certain points across -- like translations. I have full faith that the rest of your story is amazing as well, however, with the link broken I can't give any other specific feedback. Nonetheless, Great Job!
I like the tone and the way…
I like the tone and the way the piece addresses the reader. The use of timers and dynamic text helps keep the pace moving. I also like the bilingual aspects of the story; you might be able to use replacement text to do more with translation for people who need extra help. The use of choices creates a nice set of possibilities, particularly the game-like aspects of choosing items. On the passage that begins, "It's no sooner" I lose my orientation with the reference to "he." In a couple of other spots, I get similar confusion about the reference to "he." In spots, you might be able to expand the description or dialog to bring out the settings and interactions more vividly. As I work through the De Gouden Slang and associated passages, I am getting some Twine error messages. I get some messages on the other path as well. I wonder a bit about some of the paths on the Stay here loop that seem to be a bit more detour like and don't shape the action as much. Perhaps they can be cut (or expanded so that they add a bit more to the experience). Some of the error messages make it a bit difficult to get the full experience, but I do like the way the piece is leading toward a kind of social message about trafficking. I feel like the role of the coin--or map or umbrella--has a key role to play here. However, I don't feel like the role and the impact of the choices is fully realized just yet. When the choices are presented, it's a bit hard to differentiate which one might be most useful or later if I had made a different choice, would I have been okay. I see that now, the choice still lead to the same outcome. It might be that the situation is dire and the all paths leading to the same outcome makes sense, but if so, then a bit more explicit detailing of this rationale might be worth having. In general, thinking about these choice/flow/outcome dynamics probably makes sense, and then once you know where you want to go with that circling back to clean up errors and bring out story elements will bring it all to like. Nice work.